Are you excited for the Zombie Apocalypse? Is your zombie thrasher kit ready to eliminate the outbreak of walking gore? If you answered in the negative, then you need to join the lunacy of zombie preppers for a moment and prepare your bug out bag, I mean zombie hunting cart. This is the only zombie hunting cart on the market ready to spray, dice, saw, slash, and blow your way through the Zombie Apocalypse. Don't just plan to survive a post-apocalyptic zombie experience. Plan to really live!
As you prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse remember the most important thing besides surviving. What is it? Duh. It's killing zombies, according to something Clausewitz once said. Prepare yourself for information the government does not want you to know. Avoid the government roundup camps and the military turning on its people. Prepare to kill zombies. And zombies will be everywhere. After the camps are overridden with zombies, we the people will rely on you to take our country back and make America great again. It will take the zombie hunting cart. It will take you.
Don't get me wrong, the bug out bag is important. Fill it with kipper snacks, pudding, and waffles. Maybe some water. Maybe not. But you must follow the order of battle and remember your one wheel cart for zombie gore. Have an aversion to zombies? Then we are not recruiting you to the Office of Outbreak Management. Bounce!
It came to our attention that preppers love the Honey Badger Wheel. Word is out and we've found preppers all over the world altering our kit in their preparations to fight the outbreak. We've created the Office of Outbreak Management for your benefit. Consider it a Sun Tzu-style think tank to prepare you for the zombie apocalypse. It is a team of intelligence specialists scouring the dark web for the information you need to survive and thrive.
Behold! We present to you these zombie hunting carts that we've found and open-sourced their ideas to prepare you. You're welcome. Now this is Machiavellian or something like that...
You thought going to the gun store in Texas was going to be your best bet to arm for the Zombie Apocalypse? Fact check: You thought wrong! The Machine Gun Kelly Prepper Cart is going to score you more brain shots than any other option available. The handlebar has a nifty brake lever refabricated into a fully automatic trigger. This setup fires at a rate of 600 rounds per minute and can score both knee hits and brain hits from one gooey zombie to the next by swiveling in a rearward fashion. Spray and pray, you say? Whatever. Squeeze and sneeze as you adjust your senses to the smell of iron and flesh.
Disclaimer: This model was created after a bender watching Derek Zoolander only turn left. Zombies to the immediate left are a real threat with only one model. You'll need two models and two operators to survive the zombie apocalypse. But side by side, one model facing front and one model facing rear, you've got your aces covered. It's Blue Steel redefined.
Failed to fully stash your food and water? Failed to prep your bug out bag? No worries. We got your back, Jack. Walk or run - it don't matter - the IED Last Stand Prepper Cart into that walker hoard and KABLAM! You just copied a jihadi tactic and adopted it for the Zombie Apocalypse. Who seriously needs a four-man fire team anyway? You don't!
You'll ignore the Patraeus Doctrine by not working well with the locals because you take the adage "Honey Badger don't care" a little too literal. Congrats, you're unoriginal, but you'll sacrifice that unoriginality on behalf of fighting the outbreak. You will go down in history as goo, but at least you prepped for that. It may be an oral history that only lasts a few years, but you'll make your mark all over the 20 meter blast zone. Spray it proud and loud.
Pacificst? Don't want to fight zombies? No problem, bro. You usually outsource your fighting skills and we get it. Consider freelancing your survival during the Zombie Apocalypse. Sure, this takes a lot of cheddar, but there's an app for that. Hire Helga and her Honey Badger Wheel to bodyguard your pacifism to the end of days.
We found Helga on zombiefreelancer.com highlighting her services with the Zombie Ammo Cart. Needless to say, she takes her ammunition storage seriously. Helga sports her skills blasting brains in Cover Girl makeup and Gucci baby calf leather high heals. Our inquiries could not determine if those are baby bovine or baby bison. It mattered to us.
Operate like an artillery crew member and join the fray with this unique WWII field artillery piece fastened with a MIG welder onto the aircraft aluminum. Balance? No problem. But we can't tell you because it is Top Secret. Wikileaks released that information found on Secretary Clinton's server, but we refuse to discuss it in an open forum. Email us for info.
This setup was designed to reign down terror by blasting through zombie craniums at 1,200 FPS with shredded battle ordinance. This inaccurate weapon of apocalypse will remove 35% of a single 200 body hoard with one blow. We recommend targeting hoards no less than 8,000 zombies for best accuracy. The King of Battle Cart requires a three-man team so don't steal from your battle buddy's bug out bag and stay frosty.
Have an affinity for cutting down trees? Convert that love for chopping by ripping into zombie flesh with an 80 horse power Japanese engine, American-made steel, and Chinese manufacturing from a plant across the street where the iPhone 7 was made in Guangdong Province. This setup, however, includes a headphone jack. You're welcome. We found this setup advertised on Alibaba with our Honey Badger Wheel. We won't enforce our patent because we thought it was a creative utility we could not prosecute.
Why is the chainsaw facing vertical and not horizontal? We asked the same question. The Chinese rep Carl told us that when they were performing product tests in the Burj al-Khalifa, they found that paid test subjects climbing stairs fell forward as the massacre cart advanced the stairs downward. The gravity of the bodies on top of the horizontal setup caused too much weight and slowed the chainsaw.
As the Massacre Cart went down the 200 flights of stairs during tests, they found that in the vertical setup, the bodies' weight employed gravity more efficiently. The bodies would meet the chainsaw below the waist and fall on top of the chainsaw blades resulting in complete body separations. With the chainsaw in the horizontal position, it only made it down two flights. Vertically, the massacre cart made it into the lobby and beyond the third country national sector of the city. The test only ended when it ran out of gas.
We discovered this on a prepper forum using the jpeg meta data from our original concept image. This prepper believed that the Zombie Apocalypse was nigh and panicked. He instituted a "be prepared" scout motto into his prepper plan. We applaud the ingenuity and ability to believe in not only the Zombie Apocalypse but the beauty of zombie-massacre design.
This weaponized one wheel cart is art. It employs a squad automatic weapon, the chainsaw, and four titanium knives. There is no merit badge yet for zombie preps, but we are lobbying the Boy Scouts to begin with this unit. It is art. It is zombie science. It is the Multi-Weapon Zombie Death Cart. Leave the fire team handcuffed in the brig, take their bug out bags, and live another day.
When you purchase a Honey Badger Wheel and convert it into a zombie hunting cart, you are joining an elite group of operators. Yes, the Honey Badger Wheel is the ultimate one wheel cart that makes your bug out bag look like a little sissy. And yes, it has become the #1 hunting cart for hunters and hands-down is the ultimate all-terrain stroller for exploring the great outdoors. That's beside the point. That's just child's play. Who wants to enjoy time with their families and improve a hunt. Pffffhh! You've got prepping to do!
Convert your prepping from practical to the lunatical by converting it into a zombie fighter. Don't give into mobocracy and do follow anti-governmental conspiracies. Focus on the zombie apocalypse and enjoying a vacation from the mundane. We'll see you out there on the field of battle. Until then...
- A Public Service Message from the Office of Outbreak Management